Lawak Hari ini

Lawak #1

Dalam sidang parlimen yg lepas Dtk Seri S. Samy Vellu yg juga Presiden MIC telah berjaya menyelesaikan kemelut isu AP antara bekas PM Tun Dr. Mahathir dengan Menteri MITI Dtk Seri Rafidah Aziz. Idea beliau sangat bernas dengan memasukkan fakta persaudaraan dan persefahaman. Berikut adalah kenyataan beliau yang telah diringkaskan. "Tuan yg Dipertua, Selaku menteri kabinet, ali Barisan Nasyenel dan Presiden YemAiSi... saya teylah berbincangkan Wissyu AP ini dalam mesyuarat YemAiSi yang lipas dingan sepanjang lebarnya. Akhirnya YemAiSi dengan sebulat-bulatnya suara tilah mencadangkan kepada Yangamaberomat Pedanamentri supayye wisyu wini disilisaikan dingan simangat pesefaman dan persodaran yang kekal antara Rafidah sama TuMahadey. Ini idea tilahpun lama diterimapakey woleh suummmmmmmmmma ali-ali YemA! iSi termaso ali kuluarga saya sindirri. Maka dingan ini YemAiSi dengan amat paling bangganya kasi wumumkan yang kami dari YemAisi mencadangkan supaya dengan tanpa silu-segannya Menteri MITI misti mau kasi guna ini nama mula dari sekarang... RAFIDAH A/P MAHATHIR."

Ulasan:Seperti biasa, saya dapat lawak ini via mail. Samy Vellu sering jadi bahan lawak kerana 2 faktor: Bahasa Melayu tidak sempurna dan Dia veteran dalam BN. Isu AP bahan lawak kebangsaan kerana ia terlalu lama berlarutan. 2 watak utama, Tun Mahadir dan Rafidah mewarnaikan isu ini. Meriah betul. Kebanyakan lawak AP berkait dgn abjad A dan P.


Lawak #2

WHAT CHINESE THINKS OF MALAYS

01. You MALAY call each other 'BODOH' for fun, and too 'BODOH' to realize it's an offensive word.
02. You're the LAZIEST person on God's earth.
03. Always update with "lagu-lagu A-minor", "lagu-lagu rindu" and "wayang hindustani".
04. Always give a very long honourable speech start from Duli Yang Maha Mulia, Tan Sri, Puan Sri, YB-YB, Yang Berbahagia Datuk, Datuk-Datuk, Datin-Datin, Tuan Haji, Tuan Pengerusi Majlis.. and last sometime least...."rakyat jelata" sekalian......."terlebih dahulu saya ingin membuka majlis dengan asalamualaikuwaramatulahiwabarakatu......"
05. Many Malay ended at "pusat pemulihan dadah" for common drug abuse.
06. "Air sirap" is the cheapest drink you can afford.
07. You like to tease and act perverted when someone with sexual appeal passing by.
08. You self proclaimed from a superior race (Arabs).
09. You love to eat, especially FREE FOOD.
10. Malay favourite quote = REZEKI JANGAN DI TOLAK.
11. Malay least favourite word = JANJI MELAYU.
12. Your girls got a mouthfull of chicken's ass (loudmouths).
13. You can't stand it and always keep on staring at someone who are better dressing / looking rather than your back-dated looks.
14. You wear your shirt more than 4 times before wash it.
15. You feel it's not right to eat first before everybody gets their meal (while your meal is getting cold).
16. You got that annoying habit of wanting people to acknowledge you.
17. You know for the fact that you are supersticious (bomohs and dukuns).
18. You know for the fact that Malay jokes are decently lame and you always force yourself to laugh when other malay joker telling their lame jokes.
19. You always try to take advantage on other people work..
20. You are trained to be a sweet talker.
21. You love to offer drinks to your boss while polishing his shoe. 22. You always pick on juniors.
23. You don't care if everyone in your class/office know for the fact that you are lazy.
24. You are very protective on your seniority.
25. You are quite a slow thinker.
26. You prefer to borrow people's stuff rather than buy it, but hardly return it back.
27. You also always use other's property without asking permission.
28. Many of you are not sincere when making friend with non-malays.
29. You always waste your time in the public phone talking about "janji-janji manis", "omong- omong kosong", "aku hidup dalam blues", "Hindi superstar" and "cinta-sayang". (these are direct quotes...)
30. Malay most popular ambition... * to the public = "ingin menjadi seorang insan yang berguna" * in reality = to be a clerk, despatch, factory worker 31. Gossip are number 1 favourite past time.
32. Malay favourite magazine are URTV, Mangga, Jelita, Remaja and Variasari.
33. Mark as "bangsa pendengki" by other race in Malaysia.
34. When someone giving a speech, a Malay usually will nod their head (kepala terangguk-angguk) not to show that they understand, but just simply to act that they understand in a serious manner.
35. Deep in the eyes of Malay, the meaning of "TERSIPU-SIPU BAHASA" and "MALU-MALU KUCING" are..... * GREAT APPETITE WITH A VENGEANCE.
36. Malay got less friend from other races because... * Malay are too proud of their own language which makes them stuck-up * Malay also ignore that other etnic groups and foreign people are willing to learn to speak in Malay while got other knowledge in other language. (so now you know why this email is written in ENGLISH)
37. In Malaysia, people said "wear condom and don't forget to take a bath with Dettol if you make love to a Malay".
38. An example of a Malay with good grades =STRAIGHT C-MINUS
39. A Malay boss are known as * intimidating his staff * Sexual harrasing & Blackmailing * Welcome more family member and friends to join the company * Corruption * Always bring company's item home for personel use.
40. Malay, as the biggest population in Malaysia, are always feels threaten with the minority Christian in the country.
41. Malay chicks always dream to have sex with White Man but always ended get f*ck by their own species. (Im sorry if this offended you, but it was a promise)
42. Most babies found in the bushes and dustbin are Malay.
43. Most adultery/incest cases are by Malay.
44. Most divorce cases are by Malay couple.
45. Most yuppie wannabes are Malay.
46. Malay man got the habit using sink/wash hand area to rinse and wash their penis mostly in their bathroom, hostel and also in the public toilet.
47. Malay love to make fun at people who use toilet paper to wipe ass because they love to touch their sh*t with their hand.
48. Malay knows that other races could not dare to eat malay food not because of the spices but because the food was process by their ass-wiping-hand.
49. Malay use toilet paper in Malay restaurant / food court / warung to wipe customer's mouth and hand.
50. A typical malay Ready-to-wear..... * a long, torn jeans, * a T-shirt * a pair of loafers
51. Malays can't live without rice and chilli. 52. A malay who check in a foreign hotel will cook their food inside the hotel room with water boiler and a portable mini cooker to save cost.
52. Malay knows their favourite fast food......KENTUCKY FRIED CHICKEN hot and spicy.
53. Malay will eat fried chicken and burger just like in the manner of eating rice with hand "one hand lean on the table, slouching head to the plate and other hand with finger close to each other to enter mouth".
54. Malay toilet always smells like "petai".
55. Malay love to remind people to have their morning shower but they themself always ended up having a BO in the afternoon. (BO=body-odour)
56. Backstabbing are malay greatest asset.
57. Cheating in examination or test are heredity.
58. Malay favourite brand are G.A Blue Jeans, Lady-like Jeans, a fake Ray-ban.
59. Upper class Malay favourite brand are the cheapest Versace t-shirt, Malboro Classic sometimes fake sometimes not jeans, an old fashion (erik estrada CHIPS) Ray-Ban glasses and a discount sales Mark and Spencer.
60. Weekend are racing paradise for "Mat Motor".
61. Malay never learn to accept people's opinion as a giude or challenge.
62. You feel that you had to support Moslem terrorist just because their are Islam and not because their are a serial killers.
63. Malay favourite living concept = BIAR PERUT KOSONG ASALKAN RUMAH CANTIK MACAM ISTANA.
64. The only musical instrument you can play is a GITAR KAPOK.
65. You Malay will pretend to ignore and deny that you are typical.
66. You MALAYS dreaming to become rich, but not by hard working or studying BUT with ALL KINDS OF SKIM CEPAT KAYA and STUPID MULTI-LEVEL MARKETING BUSINESS.
67. Dont have money but always want to action - buying cars like Waja, Wira and other expensive cars while you know you can only afford a KAPCAI.
68. Parents very rich but still go overseas using govenment scholarship. Go overseas to enjoy and not to study.
69. You will start to wondering about yourself after reading this.

Lawak #3

Seorang ulamak sedang berada di dalam sebuah kapal terbang untuk ke sebuah negeri. Apabila tiba waktu solat, dia pun ke tandas untuk berwudhuk. Oleh kerana tandas di dalam kapalterbang terlalu kecil, maka beliau terpaksa membuka pintu tandas itu ketika berwudhu. Tatkala beliau mengangkat salah satu dari kakinya ke tangki (washing basin), seorang peramugari telah ternampak perbuatan ulamak itu dan menegurnya. Peramugari: (dengan suara dikeraskan..) Tuan tidak boleh memasukkan kaki ke dalam tangki tu, sebab ia akan mengotorkan tangki. Ulamak: (dengan suara lembut dan penuh rendah diri...) Berapa kali saudari mencuci muka saudari dalam satu hari? Peramugari: (dengan sifat angkuh...) Kebiasaannya sekali atau dua kali dalam sehari. Ulamak: (dengan sifat bersahaja....) Saya mencuci kaki saya lima kali dalam sehari, bererti kaki saya lebih bersih dari muka saudari.

Lawak #4

Businessman and Fisherman taken from http://www.danchan.com/weblog/apache What do you really hope to achieve in life? Read this story and you may find that what you are always hoping to achieve, you may be already have it. There was once an American businessman who was sitting by the beach in a small Mexican village. As he sat, he saw a Mexican fisherman rowing a small boat towards the shore and noticed that the fisherman has caught a quite number of big fishes that is known to be a delicacy. The American was really impressed and ask the fisherman, "How long does it take you to catch so many fishes?" The fisherman reply; "Oh, just a short while." "Then why don't you stay longer at sea and you could catch even more? The businessman was astonished. The fisherman simply does not agree, "This is enough to feed my whole family?" he says. The businessman then asked: "So, what do you do for the rest of the day then?" The fisherman reply; "Well, I usually wake up early in the morning, go out to sea and catch a few fishes, then I would go back and play with my kids. In the afternoon, I will take a nap with my wife, and evening comes, I will join my buddies in the village for a drink, we played guitar, sing and dance throughout the night. My day was ever so complete and carefree." The businessman does not agree with his way of life and offered a suggestion to the fisherman. "I am a PhD holder graduated from Harvard University, specialises in business management. I could help you to become a more successful person. From now on, you have to spend more time at sea and try to catch as many fishes as possible. And when you have save enough money, you could buy a bigger boat and catch even more fishes. As you go on, you will be able to afford to buy more boats, recruit more fishermen and lead a team of your own. Soon you will be able to set-up your own company, your very own production plant for canned food and do direct selling to your distributors.At that time, you will have moved out of this village and to Mexico city, and then expand your operation to LA, and finally to New York city, where you can set-up your HQ to manage all your other branches." The fisherman asks, "So, how long would that take? " The businessman reply: "About 15 to 20 years" The fisherman continued, "And after that?" The businessman laugh heartily, "After that, you can live like a king in your own house, and when the time is right, you can go public and float your shares in the Stock Exchange, by then you will be rich, your income will be coming in by the millions!!" The fisherman ask, "And after that?" The businessman says "After that, you can finally retire, you can move to a house by the fishing village, wake up early in the morning and catch a few fishes, then return home to play with the kids, have a nice afternoon nap with your wife, and when evening comes, you can join your buddies for a drink, play the guitar, sing and dance throughout the night!! " The fisherman was puzzled, "Isn't that what I am doing now??" So, what does one really hope to achieve in life, do we really need to work so hard in life ? What do you hope to accomplish in the end ?

Lawak #5

>> DUN yg paling sejuk . DUN Batu Berendam
>> DUN yg paling tak de rasa . DUN Air Tawar
>> DUN yg paling panas , DUN Pedas.
> > DUN yg paling miskin . DUN Sekupang
> > DUN yg paling muda , DUN Sri Muda
> > DUN yg paling lemah , DUN Batang Berjuntai
> > DUN yg paling basah , DUN Sg Besar
> > DUN yg kuat makan satay , DUN Kajang
> > DUN yg banyak hantu , DUN Pucong
> > DUN yg ada istana , DUN Kota Raja.
> > DUN yg banyak ikan , DUN Tg Sepat
> > DUN yg paling keras , DUN Batu Tiga.
> > DUN paling pendalaman , DUN Hulu Klang
> > DUN banyak air , DUN Ampangan
> > DUN banyak penganas . DUN Kuala Kubu.
> > DUN paling takde kemajuan , DUN Gurun
> > DUN paling bahaya , DUN Baling.
> > DUN banyak semut . DUN Kota Sarang Semut.
> > DUN paling pelik , DUN Sg Ada Burung
> > DUN ada binatang , DUN Kijang
> > DUN paling wangi ,DUN Pokok Sena
> > DUN paling tak cantik, DUN Batu Buruk
> > DUN paling berkuasa, HinDUN isteri Pak Lah